I am sorry if I failed us. It is not what I wanted at all. I guess I wasn't strong enough to fight for the two of us.

You deserve better than what I can provide for you right now.

It has been 3 years since I visited this. I had to start it because of a English class at Wayne State. I graduated in December 2009 and I just started the Continuing Education program at CCS. It's amazing what the difference is.

The more I read my blogs 3 years ago, the more I feel I made the right decision. March 11th I told Chris that I think we need to work on our friendship. We have come a long way, but we still can't get the simple things right. At the moment, I feel we are growing into different people. More or less, I feel I am changing and he is staying the same. I feel because of him, I was changing for the worse. I felt that I had to change that.

At this point, I don't know what will become of us. I definitely want him in my life. I feel like I am realizing, life does go on without him. I miss him, but I don't know what I should miss. I feel terrible saying that. I hope this is a wake up call for him. I told him every step of the way how I felt. I guess I should think that this is what he really wanted because I felt like I was the only one fighting to get us where I thought we should be. We definitely need more time to figure this out. A week is not enough time. I hope he gives it to me.... ya know, that precious thing called time. I already feel like I wasted so much of it trying to make this damn relationship be what it could be.

Maybe I was trying to make him into a person that he never could or wanted to be. Maybe, now that I am finally exhausted from this whole thing, he will step it up. If that's the case, it's too late. At least for right now, I have no interest in repeating or doing what I already tried to do again. Tough Shit Chris. You weren't there for me when I needed you and that was 5 years worth. I can't feel sorry for him when he hasn't even scratch the surface on my disappointment.

Maybe it's for the best. I guess I will find out. I never had a time for me. I always had a boyfriend. I still feel like I do. I hope I can start to learn how to think about ME and not me with someone else.

I am definitely in some kind of creative and motivation slump. I just want to sit around all day and do nothing productive. What helps me though is being at home. I am noticing how much I get annoyed living here. I wish I could move out, but everything will have it's time. But, a lot of what I would like to do needs to be done here. I wish I had the freedom and privacy and territorial space like I would have living on my own. I feel like I am ready for that phase of life. I just need the money to support it.

The bottom line on my situation with Chris is. I love him so much, but I feel like I gave up on him. I don't know if I will ever feel as open to him as I did. I have a wall that has been building for 5 years to protect myself from each disappointment. He could be Mr. Perfect right now for all I know, and I just can see past the past. I have been hurt too many times by the same people and for the same reasons. When will it stop. It won't stop until I stop it. And I did. I don't know what that means for Chris and I, but I have to try and think about me now. I know he doesn't feel like this, but I would like to think this is what he wanted. All the signs and actions pointed to it. I just denied it and tried to change it. I guess this has to run its course and hopefully another 5 years isn't wasted on trying for something that just won't happen.