I am sorry if I failed us. It is not what I wanted at all. I guess I wasn't strong enough to fight for the two of us.

You deserve better than what I can provide for you right now.

It has been 3 years since I visited this. I had to start it because of a English class at Wayne State. I graduated in December 2009 and I just started the Continuing Education program at CCS. It's amazing what the difference is.

The more I read my blogs 3 years ago, the more I feel I made the right decision. March 11th I told Chris that I think we need to work on our friendship. We have come a long way, but we still can't get the simple things right. At the moment, I feel we are growing into different people. More or less, I feel I am changing and he is staying the same. I feel because of him, I was changing for the worse. I felt that I had to change that.

At this point, I don't know what will become of us. I definitely want him in my life. I feel like I am realizing, life does go on without him. I miss him, but I don't know what I should miss. I feel terrible saying that. I hope this is a wake up call for him. I told him every step of the way how I felt. I guess I should think that this is what he really wanted because I felt like I was the only one fighting to get us where I thought we should be. We definitely need more time to figure this out. A week is not enough time. I hope he gives it to me.... ya know, that precious thing called time. I already feel like I wasted so much of it trying to make this damn relationship be what it could be.

Maybe I was trying to make him into a person that he never could or wanted to be. Maybe, now that I am finally exhausted from this whole thing, he will step it up. If that's the case, it's too late. At least for right now, I have no interest in repeating or doing what I already tried to do again. Tough Shit Chris. You weren't there for me when I needed you and that was 5 years worth. I can't feel sorry for him when he hasn't even scratch the surface on my disappointment.

Maybe it's for the best. I guess I will find out. I never had a time for me. I always had a boyfriend. I still feel like I do. I hope I can start to learn how to think about ME and not me with someone else.

I am definitely in some kind of creative and motivation slump. I just want to sit around all day and do nothing productive. What helps me though is being at home. I am noticing how much I get annoyed living here. I wish I could move out, but everything will have it's time. But, a lot of what I would like to do needs to be done here. I wish I had the freedom and privacy and territorial space like I would have living on my own. I feel like I am ready for that phase of life. I just need the money to support it.

The bottom line on my situation with Chris is. I love him so much, but I feel like I gave up on him. I don't know if I will ever feel as open to him as I did. I have a wall that has been building for 5 years to protect myself from each disappointment. He could be Mr. Perfect right now for all I know, and I just can see past the past. I have been hurt too many times by the same people and for the same reasons. When will it stop. It won't stop until I stop it. And I did. I don't know what that means for Chris and I, but I have to try and think about me now. I know he doesn't feel like this, but I would like to think this is what he wanted. All the signs and actions pointed to it. I just denied it and tried to change it. I guess this has to run its course and hopefully another 5 years isn't wasted on trying for something that just won't happen.

This may to it for Chris and I. I feel lost.
I'm scared of losing him. I'm not sure why. I probably should have kicked him to the curb a long time ago. I haven't figured out why I wanted to stay.
HE is a great guy when he wants to be, but he is also one of the meanest people I have ever met.
Very hurtful, spiteful, unhappy and not willing to change it.
Recently all he has been doing is bring me down.
I love him so much, and right now I dont know why
I shouldn't call him. If he does call me, which is very unlikely, I dont even know if I want to make up. He doesn't change. False apologies.
I still want him.

i atarted lookiing things up about the poet. i found some good ones to use, but i dont know if they will be easy to link to other things or not yet. i still have to go a little deeper in the marilyn monroe and tinkberbell linkage. i thought that it would be easier to find . im going to try and incorporate some poems and diary entries in to my mystory as well. back to work

mystory production is slow at the moment. i have a lot of ideas however. i just need time to put it all together. i should have time tomorrow. i just have a big test tomorrow morning and six designs need to get done also.

i have a lot of ideas but they are all mostly very personal. i dont know if that is the way to go. im always thinking of new things to put in there, i hope i dont forget most of them. i have been writing most of them down. when i get a chance im going to go through my myspace blogs, journal, and old poems that i wrote. that should give me some more ideas and little clips to include.

ok break time is over

Today is the first day that i started my mystory. i feel so afraid of it.
i know that it will be easy once i get in the flow. i just dont know how to start.
i get ideas throughout the day, but when i get time to put them into action i forget what it was or it doesnt seem as good as i thought it was.
i really like the idea of this project.
im not sure how personal im a going to get yet.

this weekend has been pretty laid back. i like it. yesterday was april fools. i didnt really get anyone because i was home most of the day. chris worked all day as well. i was going to get him by saying i might be pregnant, but i dont think it would have worked because he knows better because if i were it would compared to the second coming of Jesus. the only person i got was my friend Linda. it wasnt anything good. she asked me if she had a hickie and i, of course, responded," o my god it is huge! how are u going to hide it." she started to freak out and thats is when i said "April Fools". it was lame but at least the day of prakes didnt go completely wasted.

i have some school things that need to get done. the end of the semester is coming so that means all of the final projects are. i dont have any finals this semester which is sweet. i guess that is one of the perks for being an art major.

spring is finally starting to show its pretty face lately. it made me question if i really want to go to school for the spring semester. will i want to waste to beautiful days? chris was supposed to go for spring semester too, but he realized that he wont have enough money. instead he is planning on working two jobs. maybe hell buy me lots of stuff over summer :) i can only hope.

im so lazy on the weekends. i think that it is two in the afternoon and im still not dresed yet. i shopuld stop this habit. i waste a lot of day doing this every weekend. im such a bum.